The EFM Feature

If you’re like me (and by “like me” I mean politically obsessed), you’ve seen the latest in the Globe’s manufactured “Mormon Plan” scandal. Apparently, “developer Kem Gardner” has now apologized this “whole mess.” While no one has done anything that is actually, you know, wrong, the Globe has caused a headache for the Romney effort, and Kem is sorry for that.
I haven’t seen all of Kem’s apology (I’m not sure if the Globe printed it all), but I’ve taken the liberty of crafting a new one for Kem, one that is actually appropriate for the events of this fake scandal. Here it is:

Dear Boston Globe,
I’m sorry. For many Things.
I’m sorry that I am a person of sincere conviction and faith, and that I am also involved in politics. As a conservative. I now realize that such involvement makes me automatically suspect and worthy of investigation.
I’m sorry that I’m not channeling all of my faith-based conservative energies into the appropriate channels as you define them. As a conservative, that means viewing my faith as an entirely private matter, one that should never intrude into my public life.
I’m sorry that I’m not a liberal person of faith. In which case, I could help Governor Romney (if he were also a Democrat) campaign from the pulpit or film campaign commercials in church, and you would no doubt praise me for helping take the “values issue” from the Republicans.
I’m sorry that I’m a developer. Really, I am. I now understand that employing people, creating wealth, and — worst of all — putting buildings on previously undeveloped land is not a worthy endeavor. I pledge to stop this economically productive activity.
Really, I’m just sorry that I’m not a rich Democratic developer, then I wouldn’t be just “developer Kem Gardner” to you, but instead “philanthropist” Kem Gardner. I know this because just last month you called perhaps the nation’s most prominent rich liberal a“billionaire financier and global philanthropist” despite the fact that there are other ways to describe George Soros, such as “currency speculator George Soros” or “insider trading convict George Soros.”
I apologize for not knowing who you really are. I apologize for thinking that you are actually a serious newspaper rather than a partisan rag. I’ll know better next time, and I know there will be a next time because you absolutely hate it when faithful people actually get together and talk about our culture, where it’s headed, and why we need good leadership.
Sincerely,
Philanthropist Kem Gardner

UPDATE: I now hear from EFM readers that philanthropist Kem Gardner is actually Democratic philanthropist Kem Gardner. Yes, he’s a Democrat. He even apparently ran for governor of Utah some time ago! This is a fascinating omission from the Globe and certainly would have been a helpful detail for readers. But I suppose the MSM revokes your party card the instant you start helping conservatives.


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