The EFM Feature
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Charles sent me this today, which I tracked back to the Washington Post.  If you’re not still smiling over last night’s debate, this will definitely amuse you:

0 AD: Birth of Jesus. A pretty good guy, but no Newt Gingrich.

476 AD: Rome falls. Newt Gingrich could have averted this.

1215: The English wisely take Newt Gingrich’s suggestion to write the Magna Carta.

1492: Newt suggests, winking, that Columbus sail the wrong way to India, “where I think you’ll find something very interesting.”

1533: Henry VIII decides to take the same number of wives as Newt Gingrich.

1602: Gingrich writes “Hamlet.”

1776: Inspired by “A Nation Like No Other” by Newt Gingrich, available now in hardcover on Amazon.com for just $11.25, the Founding Fathers write the Declaration of Independence.

1789: Newt’s suggestion that Marie Antoinette offer people cake does not go over with the French people as planned. Newt is bewildered (”“I’m always delighted to be offered cake.”)

1858: Newt Gingrich suggests a neat idea for debate formats to Lincoln and Douglas.

April 14, 1865: Abraham Lincoln ignores Newt’s advice to “stay home from the theater tonight, Abe, and read one of my books for self-improvement.”

1876: General Custer also ignores Newt’s advice.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell invents a great device that, later, will enable you to receive a robocall complaining about something Mitt Romney did.

1903: Wilbur and Orville Wright put one of Newt’s best ideas into practice, although they have to remove Newt from the plane to achieve liftoff.

1944: Eisenhower takes Newt’s suggestion to land troops at Normandy. Newt cannot accompany them as he is too busy killing Hitler.

1969: Neil Armstrong slowly begins putting Newt’s plans for a moon colony into practice.

1989: Newt knocks down the Berlin Wall.

1990: Newt tells Al Gore how to invent the Internet.

1995: The Best Speaker of the House of All Time takes office.

2013: President Newt Gingrich issues in a new era of peace, prosperity and moon colonies.

2045: Newt Gingrich is canonized, in what he describes as a “uniquely humbling experience for a great man of intellect and letters who has done what no other man in human history could have done because of his rare gifts.”

2060: Newt Gingrich defeats the Antichrist in a series of eight-hour marathon debates, issues in a new millennium of prosperity and revives entire economy on the strength of sales of his 19,568,020,836th book.

2100: Newt Gingrich ascends to heaven. Jesus respectfully gets up so that Newt can be seated.

By    Alexandra Petri  |  05:00 PM ET, 01/25/2012


Comments and Discussion

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10 Responses to “A History of the World,” by Newt Gingrich

  1. Kent says:

    This sounds like you just substituted Newt ‘s name for Obama. Newt is stealing credit from our greatest leader. It’s probably Bush’s fault he is doing it .

  2. Adrienne says:

    Agreed with the first commenter. Gingrich does seem to be full of himself, but Obama takes the cake on that one. (pun not intended – about the cake, I mean.)

  3. gene says:

    In arrogance…Newt does not take a back seat to anyone.
    This was very funny !
    The writer forgot one itwm….Newt created God!
    And the BIG BANG created Newt. and Newt found out that the Florida BIG BANG is….Mitt!

  4. Terry says:

    Just read a Romney/Newt article on Fox news.
    Newt’s excuses for not doing to well in the last two debates:
    1) Mitt’s dishonesty: “You cannot debate somebody who is dishonest. You just can’t.”
    2) The crowd was too quiet during the first debate.
    3) The crowd was too noisy during the second debate.

    Mitts reply to Newt’s excuses was: “This last one, Speaker Gingrich said he didn’t do so well because the audience was so loud. The one before, he said he didn’t do so well because the audience was too quiet. This is like Goldilocks, you know. You’ve got to have it just right. When I debate the president I’m not going to worry about the audience. I’m going to make sure that we take down Barack Obama.”

    Go Mitt!

  5. Robert Sexton says:

    Last year I recieved a telephone call,from Newt Gingrich’s campain people.Part of it was taped,stay on the line to speak to an live person. I was told that for A $100 donation I could recieve a copy of the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution of the United States of America. With Newt’s autograph on it. At my desk I always have a copy of that Historic Document. I opened it read all the names on the list that honored list,and asked just where does Newt think his name should be on this list so that I may insert it. I asked since I have it in hand maybe Newt wants me to read an Article or an Admendment for him. I did not send $100.
    I do not want his endorsement on any Federal Document thank you.

    Aston Bob

  6. Rev. Ton P. Alcantara says:

    I question Newt’s understanding and interpretation of history. His is a revisionist version of history. He always put himself in the middle of it as if history revolves around him. What a big ego huh?

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